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Freely available? No thanks!

April 5th, 2010

The scarcity principle boils down to this: we want what we’re afraid we can’t have. Fear of losing out on something can be an extremely powerful motivator. Someone or something that’s not available all the time is desirable.

Availability might be threatened by limited quantity, a time deadline, or by competition. Whatever the reason, the item in question becomes more attractive to us if we think we can’t have it. Whether it’s a potential mate, a used car, or an item on sale, once its availability is threatened we WANT it!

Even more interesting is the second way in which scarcity affects our thinking and ultimately our behaviour.  As opportunities become less available, we lose freedom and boy do we loathe to lose freedoms we already have. Psychologist Jack Brehm has been researching this to explain the human response to diminishing personal control – Reactance Theory.

According to the theory, whenever free choice is limited or threatened, the need to retain our freedoms makes us desire them (as well as the goods and services associated with them) significantly more than previously. So when increasing scarcity – or anything else – interferes with our prior access to some item, we will react against the interference by wanting and trying to possess the item more than before.

Along the same lines as scarcity, telling someone that they can’t have something plays even deeper into their greed. You see this all the time at a shop when a child throws a tantrum over something he can’t have.

So how do we use this interesting piece of information about the human psyche?  The first is when providing bonuses to employees or indeed anyone in order to increase their motivation to behave in a desirable way.   We need to be cautious of making the bonus too frequent or too consistently.  If we do use this technique too often then the receiver may well get used to having it…they might even begin to EXPECT it.  And what if they expect it?  Well, if they expect it, then it is no longer working as a motivator.  In fact, if for some reason the bonus does not come, then it will become a huge de-motivator.   Those who were expecting what did not come will feel aggrieved, hard-done-by and angry.  They will spend significant time moaning about what they have not been given..about what they were ‘due’.  It will not cross their minds that they did not receive it because their results were below target.

Advertising companies use the psychology of scarcity all the time: “Limited supply, limited time offer… only 3 left at this price!” If there aren’t many left, you better get yourself one right now or someone else is going to snap it up and you’ll be jealous! We all know how this one works….certainly I’ve fallen to this selling ploy.

Ever heard yourself say about sending a prospective date a text message…”I’ll leave it a few hours, wouldn’t want them to think I’m too keen”…hmmm? or “I mustn’t tell them I’m free at this notice for the weekend, mustn’t make myself too available.”

So what other ways does this principle persuade us to behave or not behave in certain ways?

How can we use this information to change our results?

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Posted in Behaviour, Cause & Effect, Human Nature, Motivation

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What colour is that swan?

March 8th, 2010

What colour are swans? White? Black?  Did you know that before the discovery of Australia everyone believed that all swans were white.  How much of your knowledge is based on generalisations?

Learning from experience and observation is useful but not conclusive…drawing conclusions based on this can have severe limitations.  One single observation can invalidate a general statement based on decades of research and trillions of observations.

The idea of the Black Swan is to remind us that just because it has not yet happened does not mean that it cannot..

In 1895, Lord kelvin, a mathmetician & physicist and president of the British Royal Society said “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible”

In 1977 Ken Olsen, founder and CEO of Digital Equipment Corporation, said, “There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home”.

I wonder how they would feel about those comments today?

Take a moment now….and look at your own life.  Count the significant events, the technological changes, the inventions, the social norms…and compare them to what was expected.  What about your job, the work you do…meeting your partner, being betrayed, winning a life changing sum of money?  How many of these things are predictable?  How many transpired the way you thought they would?

How about playing on the stock market?  How many of your portfolio managers would produce a definition of risk?  Would it include the possibility of the Black Swan?  Unlikely, as it has no greater predictability than astrology or peeling an apple, throwing the long curved skin over your shoulder and expecting to see the intial of our true love.

The more complicated the world becomes the less predictable it becomes.

Even when impactful events happen, do we learn from them?  Rarely. For example, the French, after the Great War built a wall along the prevoius German invasion route to prevent reinvasion.  Hitler however, just went around it.  After 9/11, did learning take place about the unpredictability of certain events? No, and what learning we did glean did not help us prepare for the London underground attack…we couldn’t predict it!

Why is this?  Well, we are not quite as set up for thinking as we think we are.  If our ancestors had been more inclined towards thinking then they might have missed the lion waiting to pounce and been eaten, rather than ran for cover!

So, why do I even bring up the subject of the Black Swan?  Simply to remind everyone of the uncertainty of life.  That the rare event is one that may change our lives forever…but we have little chance to prepare.  To explain that although almost everything in life appears to fit on a bell curve, that the bell curve by its very nature ignores the outliers.  It cannot handle large deviations.  So we are left with the Black Swans not being recognised or taken into account.

The logic of the Black Swan makes what you don’t know much more important than what you do know.  Something we know has a great deal less chance of hurting us than something we don’t.  If something is conceivable then we can plan for it, we can even prevent it from happening.   If not, then we are in the realm of the unknown unknowns….

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Posted in Business, Cause & Effect, Human Nature

I am thinking, therefore I exist.

February 14th, 2010

When trying to think of everything that was false Descarte it struck him that the fact that he was thinking proved that he was ‘something’.  A truth.  Those who know a little about philosophy will understand that importance of the ‘truth’ debate.  This thought produced the most famous and influential philosophical quotes in the history of Western Philosophy.  The well known Latin form “Cognito ergo sum” or the traditional English translation “I think, therefore I am”.

I was reading about how Descarte came upon this thought when I noticed that the English translation is not in fact how Descarte meant it to be understood.  Being french, he unsurprisingly would have written in french…with the first work that mentions this thought being Discourse on the Method (1637).  The quote – “je pence, donc je suis”, in English “I am thinking, therefore I exist”.

My french is appallingly poor but I read that the quote in french utilises the continuous present tense.  And it is only in this tense that the force of his argument is brought out.

Now, why am I talking about this?  What on earth has this to do with anything that matters in our practical real life?

Descartes was saying that when we are in the process of doing something that we truly exist because in order to do that something, we must ‘be’.   It made me think about how we perceive ourselves and how we describe our behaviour.  To use the tense of the first quote, we have no urgency, no movement…no action.  Whereas in the continuous present tense we are actively progressing towards our goals, involved in life or living in the moment.

It struck me that the latter provides more opportunity for satisfaction and if we concentrated on doing and thinking we would glean benefits.  How many of us when asked what we like to do in our spare time tell others something that we used to do….perhaps still desire to do…maybe even still believe we do….but in actual fact, it’s been a very long time since we did.  Read? Cooked from scratch? Me, I used to paint…and really want to be able to say, ‘In my spare time I am painting a picture’.  I recently bought an easel, some canvas and paints with the intention to become fully absorbed but have not yet gotten around to doing anything.  I could say ” I paint” because I have painted but I cannot say “I am painting” because I have not done so in years and have no half finished painting upstairs… and for the  nit-pickers amongst you…yes I am currently (and in the present tense) writing this post.

How important then is it for us to think in the present tense, the continuous present tense…so we motivate ourselves to be doing things now and in the future.  I wonder what tense we typically use and if it impacts on our accomplishments??

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Posted in Human Nature, Motivation, Philosophical

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And breathe out….

January 27th, 2010

Relaxation is not something that many of us find easy.  When was the last time you were truly at ease with relaxed muscles and general feeling of calm, both physically and mentally?

You’ll all be well aware of the flight or fight mechanism that kicks in when we are under threat or stress.  We automatically (in an evolutionary effort of self-preservation) become more alert and more ready and efficient at responding to whatever we are faced with.  Many of those who perform on stage say that without those pre-show butterflies they would not be able to put on an engaging performance.  I’ve even heard some say that if those feelings stopped they’d stop performing.

But what happens when that feeling lasts for a prolonged period of time?

Part of the flight or fight mechanism involves muscle tightening and if the tension is prolonged our muscles never deactivate from that state.  Eventually it becomes incredibly difficult to notice when the tension is there as you become used to that feeling.  After a while you don’t even associate it with stress.  You may be jumpy, irritable, nervous.  You may be more likely to worry excessively and even develop physical symptoms, such as backache or headaches.  Constant tension can make you over-sensitive to even small happenings in our lives.  Ever been on the go continuously and then when you stop…feel the pain of tiredness… or even worse, find you develop a cold or become ill?  It happens more often than we think.  You take that much needed holiday only to find 3 days in your body decides its had enough?

So how do we relax?

First of all we need to realise that we are indeed tense. Then we need to actively complete steps in order to relax.  You may have a variety of methods of relaxation, below is a description of Isometric Relaxation for you to try.   Remember in order to feel the true benefit of this exercise you may have to do it several times a day in order to counteract the tension and maintain a relaxed state.  Eventually it may become a habit they you automatically apply when feeling tense.

When sitting or lying down in private

  • Take a small breath and hold it for up to seven seconds
  • At the same time, straighten arms and legs out in front of you and stiffen all muscles in the body
  • After seven seconds, breath out and slowly say the word ‘relax’ to yourself
  • Let all the tension go from your muscles
  • Close your eyes
  • For the next minute, each time you breathe out say the word ‘relax’ to yourself and let all the tension flow out of your muscles
  • Repeat if necessary until you feel relaxed

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Still creating hysteria – Happy 75th!

January 14th, 2010

Ever been in an environment which has influenced your behaviour?  Gotten carried away with the crowd?  Elvis who would have celebrated his 75th birthday last Friday, 8th January certainly witnessed those that were influenced and mos certainly did get carried away!

In the 1950′s frenzied and fevered were words frequently used to describe the groups of people (mainly women) who went to watch Elvis sing…. and of course gyrate his hips.  Scenes of hysteria and complete abandon were common place.  When Elvis walked on stage, women screamed, fainted, cried, shrieked and wet their pants.  The result was often so hysterical that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the National Guard, State Police and the City Police couldn’t contain those involved.  On a number of occasions Elvis had to stop the show!

Think it was hysteria?

The emotional attachment to Elvis is so strong that 30 years after his death, the sale of iconic images related to the King increases each year.  At Elvis’ home in Graceland, millions of ‘pilgrims’ (mostly female and middle aged) go to Locus Sanctus, the holy place, to mourn his death, lay wreaths and hold vigils.  In fact the behaviour in relation to his memory is such that two woman have founded the "Church of the Risen Elvis".  One of the women saying that images of Elvis "…have transcended the representational and move to the sacred".  Before his death, women even brought their sick children to his concerts in the hope that he would touch them and be healed.

Why is this?  Seems a bit extreme?

From the very beginning , the phenomenon of Elvis broke through the boundaries of ordinary fan adoration and lead the way to the "Beatlemania" which would hit America later.  Elvis’ blood and urine was stolen and sold with tales of how young women desperately wanted to inject the blood of their hero in to their own veins, women moving country just to tend to his grave or carving his name into their skin with penknives.  These behaviour are not normal reactions to singers or even fame, they move quite clearly across to myth and rituals.

Elvis was at the forefront of many controversial debates regarding teenage behaviour and rock and roll.  He was regarded by some as the blame for juvenile delinquency and the corruption of youth.  Perhaps when the behaviour of his audiences were witnessed by those not within the Elvis fan group, it can be understood (though this understanding does not mean that they were right).  The frenzied behaviour became more and more common and increasingly violent.  Did you know that Elvis received death threats and rampaging crowds often turned into riots?

Some psychologists believe that Elvis provided a rite of passage for girls into womanhood.  The sexual frenzy that Elvis created (we all know how conservative America reacted to his hips movements) provided an outlet that wasn’t previously available especially to women.  The fantasized relationship with Elvis taught them about their sexual liberty.  Add to that the way people behave when in groups….mob rule…heightened excitement…attention grabbing…screaming…  and the pieces of Elvis hysteria becomes more clear.

The group or social hysteria related to Elvis is similar in many ways to the Salem witch trials.  The groups’ behaviour was extreme and as it became more so…it became a vicious circle.  In a Elvis concert with screaming fans, you’d describe the atmosphere as ‘electric’…you’d get caught up in it.  Even if you weren’t caught up in it you probably wouldn’t want ot admit that you didn’t agree.

More recently, the invasion of Iraq had elements of social hysteria.   The 9/11 event created a fear and elevated Saddam Hussein to a witch-like mythical figure who was about to ‘press the button’ on the West.   No one (or few) questioned whether this was realistic…and many didn’t question because it would not have been welcomed.  Imagine the reaction if you questioned how evil you thought Iraq was.   Look back now – was it a sort of social hysteria?

In truth hysteria is a result of human psychology, local events, religious beliefs, economic and social situation and the political situation.   Take a moment to think how popular Elvis would have been without the outcry from those with conservative religious beliefs…or if sexual liberation for women had already happened….

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Laughing – the new social wizz kid

December 7th, 2009

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. The first laughter appears at about 3.5 to 4 months of age, long before we’re able to speak.  Laughter, like crying, is a way for an infant to interact with the caregivers.

Like smiling we don’t have to learn how to laugh, we just do. We’re born with the capacity to laugh.  But we cannot just decide to laugh, its very hard to laugh on command or to fake it.  A bit like a fake smile, a fake laugh can be detected quite easily by another person….and for anyone that has tried to stop laughing or hide an ‘inappropriate’ laugh in a meeting…you’ll know how difficult that can be!

Are you known for your laugh?  Whilst living in the Halls of Residence at University, I wondered why folk from the floor below always seemed to appear on our floor about 10 minutes after I arrived.  Mentioning their impeccable timing I asked how they knew when we all had arrived.  Their answer?  We know everyone is here because we can hear you laughing.  Mild embarrassment at how loudly I must have been laughing quickly moved aside at the marvellous thought that it was the sound of laughter that drew folk in….that encouraged others to join us.  And as aware as I am at how my voice travels…though now it’s in office buildings rather than Halls of Residence…I am rather pleased that it’s the sound of laughter that tells someone I am there.

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When we do laugh, it’s powerful, bubbling up from within us…yet very little is understood about why we laugh or what makes us laugh.  What I find amusing may not be what you find amusing…and laughter can be triggered by sensations, thoughts, or even just certain situations will give us the giggles. When we laugh, we alter our facial expressions and make sounds, some of which we wish we didn’t (says the occasional snorter!!).   In full flow our whole body gets involved, shoulders shake, arms & legs move….our breathing changes.

So why?  Why do we laugh?

Well, you may be surprised to learn that it is less about funny and humour and more about relationships with other people.  When was the last time you laughed?  Was it at a joke or was it at a statement or observation that if you described it now, wouldn’t seem funny to someone else?  People laugh at an incredibly wide selection of interactions, observations and statements.  And many times we laugh at ‘in’ jokes….jokes that are understood as amusing because you are a member of a particular group

These curious “ha ha ha’s” are bits of social glue that bond relationships.  And curiously we rarely laugh when we are alone (even less than we talk to ourselves) which seem to indicate that laughter is a message we send to other people.

Laughter is social and contagious. Hearing someone else laugh often causes us to laugh ourselves.  Many comedy programmes utilise this knowledge by adding laughter tracks.  Not sure if you’re favourite comedy has a laughter track?  That’s because you are laughing along to it.  Quite often if the laughter track is missing we don’t find the programme half as funny.

We laugh at the sound of laughter itself.  When one person starts laughing….suddenly everyone ‘catches’ it.  That’s why the Tickle Me Elmo doll is such a success — it makes us laugh and smile.

When we laugh, we’re often communicating playful intent. So laughter has a bonding function within individuals in a group. It’s often positive, but it can be negative too. There’s a difference between “laughing with” and “laughing at.” And I am positive that all of us has experienced both examples.  People who laugh at others may be trying to force them to conform or casting them out of the group.

This blog started with a statement saying that adults laugh less than children.  As adults, do you think we have less to laugh at…too many responsibilities…too many worries…  Adults play less and laugh less.  Think that’s healthy?  Playing less means we lose some of our creativity, but it also means we lose out on opportunities to bond with others. What effect do you think that’s having on our lives?  I’ve even experienced people trying to stop me laughing because they think I am drawing attention to myself or more importantly to them…when they prefer to be seen and not heard.  How sad is it that laughter is reigned in….muffled…constrained?  Surely it is better to nourish laughter, especially when times are tough.

Next time you are trying to hide that giggle…send it out there….let someone else enjoy the joke…release those feel-good endorphins in your brain…relieve a little of that stress you feel….let go….lose control….you’ll be surprised at how fantastic it feels!

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Behaviour maketh the person?

November 30th, 2009

What is your opinion of Daniel O-Donnell?  Like his music?  Find him an appealing songster?

Take a minute to come up with a few adjectives to describe him.

What came to mind?  I speculate that the adjectives were not entirely positive.  Perhaps you used words such as ‘boring’, ‘banal’…perhaps you said he’s only liked by the ‘blue rinse brigade’ and sings ‘old stuff’.  Yet, is this completely fair to him as a person?  To be judged on only a few elements of his persona?  Personally I’m not a fan of his music and find his photo shoots amusing for the simple fact that he has only the one pose but… he makes a special effort for his fans.  He insures that there are rows at the front of his concerts reserved for the disabled, he takes time out of his schedule to meet many of his fans….and has even (upon request) signed a birthday card for my aunt who has Downs Syndrome.  This is all above and beyond the call of duty.  I cannot deny that Daniel O’Donnell has many excellent qualities.

Why am I droning on about Daniel O’Donnell you might ask?  The reason, because he made me think about the way I judge others and question the values on which I rate him.  How many of us presume to know someone based on one small element of their personality?  If someone behaves in an inappropriate manner towards us or others do we jusdge the person on that behaviour?  How would you feel about someone making persumptions about you without understanding the context?

When we are providing feedback to others it is important to concentrate on the behaviour not the person.  It is possible to like the person but not the behaviour.  I’m sure you can think of many examples of this.

How interesting it is to look at people through fresh eyes.  To see someone in a different light.  Take a moment now and think of someone, your colleague, your boss…your partner.  Write down 3 adjectives to describe them.  Now think about their physical characteristics, their hobbies, their interests, their dreams, ambitions…the way they relate to others.  Write down 3 more adjectives.  Refreshing isn’t it?  I wonder how many of us stop seeing the attributes of another because we have already made up our minds about what we think of them as a person.

I might not appreciate Daniel O’Donnell music but I can’t wait to see my aunts face when she opens that card…it’ll make her year…and that it definitely worth appreciating!

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As soon as possible!

November 29th, 2009

Ever ask someone something and been answered ‘Probably’.  Not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but ‘probably’.  What were your expectations?  What assumptions did you make?  How likely is it that you will get what you asked?  During training sessions I have often asked the group to write down what percentage likelyhood is attached to the word ‘probably’.  I have gotten anything from probably means something is 20% likely to happen (I fear this person has been disappointed often in life!) to 99%.

What is your understanding of the word ‘probably’?  Think it’s the same as your colleagues?  Ever checked?

Our understanding of words is impacted by the society we live in, our families…our workplaces…and ourselves.  Often we use language that seems to be understandable but have elements of flexibility in their meaning.  However, the consequences of this can be wide ranging.  You hear ‘probably’ and you assume that its more likely than not to happen but perhaps the person delivering the message had a different understanding of the word?

What about the line ‘I’m almost finished’? What does that mean?  How close to being finished is the person saying this?  What about ‘Not very often’?  How many times is ‘not very often’?

So much of our everyday language is non-exact.  We believe we know the meaning because they are familiar words but do we understand them int he same way other people do.  When we are providing instructions and giving feedback, it is vital that we are understood, in fact communication of any kind does not exist without understanding.

What happened the last time you misunderstood a message because of the language that was used?  How do you prevent someone misunderstanding what you mean?

WATCH POINT – Do you use ‘As soon as possible’ at the bottom of emails?  What does that mean? As soon as possible to you may not be the same as for the person you are sending it to.  They may prioritise differently to you.  If you need something completed quickly, but a deadline.  That was your communication is clear and expectations are managed!!

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Your personality, your culture…

November 24th, 2009

What type of person are you?  What type of humour do you have? What are the stories you tell others about yourself? Do you have a certain way of doing things?  These are the things that make up your personality, various elements which combined are greater than the sum of the parts.

Stories – Past events that you and others tell to provide information about yourself.  That time you got backstage at that rock concert…or when you forgot your keys and ended up with the police thinking you were a burglar…or how you defended your friend in a crowed bar..

Customs and rituals -The way you do things.  Insist on research before booking a holiday…or you must always put masara on before you leave the house…you alwayss have hot chocolate before bed…

Values – What values do you have?  What’s important to you?  How do you prioritise your life?  Always put family first?  What about the work vlaues you have?

Beliefs – What are your beliefs about the world?  Do you believe people are generally good?  DO you think that given half a chance people will take an opportunities to pull the wool over your eyes?

Behaviours – What does your behaviour look like?  Do people comment how you are a good listening?  What about how you behave when someone needs help?  Do you walk to a rhythm?

Symbols – Always carry an item with you that means something?  A photo in your wallet? Do you associate or love a particular item…a friend of mine used to adore elephants and would have lots of elephants everywhere.

All of the above combine to form your personality.  The culture of you so to speak.  You have acquired a body of knowledge about how to behave and this enables everyone else to interpret and understand how to act with you and what type of person you are.

Now think about these things in relation to your family.  What culture does your family have?  What stories are told?  What rituals do you complete?  What shared behaviours and do have?  Christmas is coming, what rituals do you always complete then?  You family is made up of many parts that form a unique whole.  A collective belief that in turn shape behaviour.  We are behave according to our families culture…or at least in their company we do.

In the work context…organisations have culture.  I’m sure you were told stories when you arrived…what happened at the last Christmas do…that time that manager totally lost it….the time you all got out earlier due to a leaking pipe…

You actions within organisations often conform to their culture….without even realising it….

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I’m sorry.

November 21st, 2009

Are you always right? When did you last make a mistake?  Did you apologise?

We are all human and as a result we are all prone to mistakes.  Being a Partner in a large corporate firm or a business owner or someone’s manager does not automatically remove the capability of being in the wrong or handling situations incorrectly. But do we ever admit it?  Are we conscious of not seeming to have made a bad choice?

Do those we work with appreciate more the person who owns up when they are wrong or the person who refuses to admit that there may have been a better and more effective way of doing something?  Naturally, we are hesitate to admit we have made a mistake, we do not want other to form an impression of our incompetence.

Yet, noone can be right all the time.  When we do not take responsibility for our actions then the relationship with have with others is damaged.  The trust leaves.  How different would it have been if President Nixon had quickly apologised for Watergate or if President Clinton had simply owned up and apologised?  When President Kennedy took full responsibilty for the Bay of Pigs disaster, the press didn’t have much to talk about.

Quite apart from the trust issue…apologising for those things we get wrong, deomonstates a certain amount of vulurbilty which can be appealing to those we work with.  They see that other’s make mistakes, recognise them, apologise and vitally, promise to remedy their actions in future.  And when they make a mistake it is much easier to admit to it.  How many problems are made worse by refusal to admit they exist?  If we  demonstrate that making mistakes is OK as long as we identify them and make adjustments accordingly, then those around us will learn that behaviour. And wonderfully, we manage the negative effect of whatever our actions created.

So how do we go about apologising?

Ken Blanchard provides a process in his One Minute Manager book and below are the aspects he describes.

1.  Surrender – Genuine and truthful admittance of having done something wrong and the need to make up for it.  This must include taking full responsibility and any harm that has been done.  Do not make excuses for your actions, an apology has no substance if you include excuses.

2.  Integrity – Recognition that you were wrong and awareness of how this is inconsistent with how you normally behave.  Important is reaffirming that you are better than the behaviour you had demonstrated.

3.  Focus on other person – Recognition of the particular damage or harm you have done the other person.  You need to know what you are apologising for.

4.  Commit to change – An apology means very little unless you commit to not repeating the behaviour.  Why are you apologising if you intend to do exactly the same thing again.  Behaviour change must be identified and agreed to.

In additional to this process I’ve identifed a few other things to consider.

When do you make your apology?  Sometimes the best time is immediate, in fact the sooner you apologise for you mistake the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgement and not a character flaw.  However, there are occasions when it may be best to let the dust settle a little before apologising.

Be wary of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”, it can appear as though you are blaming the other person.  Yes, there are occasions when it is the feelings of the other person you are sorry for but if you have made a mistake be sorry for what you did…the actual behaviour.

Don’t forget to express your appreciation for the person and provide explanation (not excuses!) if necessary for what has happened.  You could even ask them if they will give you another chance.  When someone provides us with a genuine apology it is very difficult to respond negatively.  If the apology is fake or filled with excuses..quite often the person will walk away with a poor impression of your behaviour…but having received a full and frank apology…most people will be willing to accept it.  And vitally this places the power firmly with the wronged person.

And finally, if the apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and be patient.  Sometimes people may want to forgive you but just need a little more time to cool off and accept what has happened.  Even if the person has accepted your apology, they may need a little time before they can completely trust you again.  Remember, is you carry out your promise to amend your behaviour in future then you will have proven your sincerity.

Has apologising for your mistakes improved or hindered your relationships?  Or do you not know the answer to that question because you can’t remember the last time you apologised?  If you can remember and your apology was not well received…how did you apologies…did you try to make excuses?

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